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Travel Dad Blog #2 (literally she did #2 on me)

So today is Thursday, December 6th, 2018 at 5:42 pm… Baby Knight Knight is now 2 months old, and sound asleep in the bassinet (now swing thingy by the time I finished typing).  Not sure for how long, so let’s jump right in before she wakes up…

So why is she so sound asleep you ask!?  SHE JUST SHAT ON ME!  This was quite possibly the most diabolical, wicked and unholy thing that has ever happened to me in life, and I’m almost 40!  She literally unloaded what felt like a gallon of poop in my lap.

 

I was just sitting there minding my business, burping her like they taught me in the nursery (upright, lean her forward, hand on chin, firm pats on the back, etc… at this point, I’m like the Burp Whisperer)  Anyway, everything was all good; I’m watching TV, she’s looking in the “direction” of the TV… and then bam…

I get this warm sensation on my left hand (my chin holding hand).  Bingo, spit-up… no biggie.  I smiled, looked at her, and was like, “you’ve got the warmest little body fluids ever…”  I thought to myself, I’ll probably write about that someday, but not really.  Then, she backdoored it (no pun intended…yet) with a little baby flatulence.  That’s nothing new though, she’s pretty regular if you know what I mean.  But then, like, ummm, how do I explain this… Ok…

I’ve never been in an earthquake, but I’d imagine it goes something like this: It’s real calm, you’re minding your business, birds are chirping, text messages are being ignored… and then; there’s a little tremor with the simultaneous sounds of stuff rattling and shaking, and then BOOM, shit hits the fan (no pun intended…yet), and you’re holding on for dear life trying to save yourself, then you help look for survivors once you’re in the clear!

Well sticking with the earthquake theme, the “tremor” was Baby blowing the sides out of her diaper like a natural gas leak detonating a house; the stuff “rattling” ferociously was my right thigh and her butt cheeks; the “poop hitting the fan,” was LITERALLY her poop oozing on to my favorite Urban Camp Weekend shorts causing the warmest sensation I’ve had on my thigh since putting Icy Hot on during track practice a couple of decades ago… imagine an explosion followed up by lava slowly percolating down your leg…

yup… this is when it got dicey.  This is when real decisions are made!  This is the fork in the road… the rubber meeting the road… the… you get the point…

Because naturally, Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior designed the human body to naturally react in a self-preserving way.  Our bodies are built to react to danger… Flinch, blink, duck, etc… it’s automatic.  Kinda like when I have her in this pouch, and I bend over, and she grabs me because she thinks she’s about to fall…

So because the Lord designed my body like the rest of the world, it’s only natural that I react how mother Mary would have wanted me to… save myself, a.k.a. THROW BABY!  (let’s pause)

Fortunately for Baby, I was frozen in time, like, maybe I’m dreaming… Maybe, my 20/20 vision and sense of feeling in the lower quadrants of my body are failing me in my old age.  I’ve been wrong many times in my life, but never have I hoped and prayed so fast in my life to be wrong within milliseconds of an incident.  Nope… I was right… she SHAT on me… and the couch, and when I stand up, the floor! (WARNING, DON’T CLICK ON THE PIC… IT ONLY GETS WORSE)

Anyway… So who’s fault was it?  Probably the breast milk provider, a.k.a., Thunder Boobs.  Whatever Thunder Boobs ate and processed through her breasts, clearly and scientifically doesn’t mix well with Baby’s stomach.  Thunder Boobs has clearly discovered the formula for steroids and hgh; Baby’s butt muscles are on Schwarzernegger-ian strength at the moment.  The force of which her poop came out can only be described as similar to an industrial strength leaf blower.

Anyway… let’s talk clean up…

Option 1. Throw everything and everyone away (apparently that’s frowned upon by Child Protective Services, Thunder Boobs, Grandparents, and friends and family)

Option 2. Gather your thoughts, waddle with my little poop dispenser (a.k.a. Baby) to the restroom, try not to track her personal Reese’s Pieces throughout the place, take off my britches, throw them in the tub, run back to the couch naked and clean the couch before the Reese’s start to settle in, run back to the bathroom to make sure Baby is still being Baby, then run back and throw a towel on the floor, then run to the kitchen to grab a shopping bag to dispose of errything, etc!  You know what also sucks… these onesies with the three little buttons on the crotch forcing you to dumpster dive in the middle of crapville to release them; only to try and get Baby out of this contraption without getting chocolate pudding on her dome! (scissors next time)

Anyway, all is well now.  My little poop dispenser is cleaner than a whistle!  I bathed all the baby mud off of her, and she’s back to being huggable.

With that being said, you’re not getting anything for Christmas… I’m going to re-wrap your baby shower gifts, and the tree will be Lit Lit Literally!  You’ll never know until you’re old enough to read this anyway.  And your birthday gifts for next year will probably be bootlegged in a similar fashion… Whatever your Godfather Al buys you, I’m going to say it’s from me! (that’s him holding you below; he was scared to walk too fast with you until I showed him your muscle neck; you’ve been holding your head up from Day 1! Baby strong!)

Below is me taking you to the mall; don’t get used to it, it’s a waste of money and we have college or your own business to save for…

Below: This is us later that day eating some charbroiled oysters, fish and all kind of other stuff… You can get used to this though…

That’s it…

Daddy still Loves you Baby… you’re a #PieceOfCake (I’m just not a fan of your crumbs)

 

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Travel Dad Blog #1

Well… I’m back… I haven’t had the time or made the time since Myspace to blog, but I figured now’s a good time to crank it back up!  Let’s skip the 13 year gap and jump right in though!So why am I making my comeback?  Well, I’m getting old, and I have a one week old baby now fresh out the NICU (that’s obviously her above…)  I want her to be able to see/read what I was actually like before I’m blind, cripple and crazy(er) in my old age.  Anyway, she’s adorable as heck; If she doesn’t stimulate your ovaries into wanting one, nothing will (at least I think so, but I’ve been known to be biased.) I mean, technically, she could be as weird looking as some of the other babies I see on the internet, and I just not know it.  She’s a combination of her mom and me, and her mom is straight, I’m decent, so naturally I think a combination of the two should be decent as well (or appealing to my eyes?)

I do feel a certain kind of way though… I low key/high key, actually, feel as if my friends were praying for her to have her moms fine hair, and not my coarse hair.  I mean, I have wonderful coarse hair, I just choose not to fool with it these days; I stopped the hair thing in 2015, but that’s another blog… (the sponge look kinda saved me; it came back just in time to blame my untamed mane on the newest fashion hair trend thingy)

 (photo compliments of my no good friends)

But I digress.. or did I digress? Not sure where I’m going here, but I never do.  I did go out on a recent “we both have kids or kids on the way double date” the other day.  That was cool… (that’s all I have for now)  I did notice that kids under 12 eat for free on the menu… That’s not too shabby.  Technically, I’ve never paid that close attention to stuff like that, but now I’m now creating a cheat sheet of places where my little crumb snatcher can eat for free!  I will say this though; the Economics major in me thinks this is a marketing gimmick.  Of course kids under 12 should eat for free; they’re stomachs aren’t that big anyway.  It’s either eat for free, or she eat off my plate… I’m not buying a little stomach person any food in the first place; she’s going to learn sharing very early… Daddy’s left-overs are your delicacies Baby!

  But anyway, where was I… I’ve been hanging out with my same friends that already had kids during the regular years in life, and didn’t wait as long as me; Needless to say, there’s definitely been a shift in topics we discuss.  Side note, I recommend everyone wait to have kids… It gives your friends time to progress in their careers, become rich, and buy some amazing baby shower gifts!  Shoutout to my friends (like for real).  I must admit, I did use one of the gift cards to purchase some organic deodorant paste stuff I saw on TV one night (they scared me into thinking I’d get armpit cancer from using my regular antiperspirant – I don’t want armpit cancer.)  It actually works believe it or not, but, that’s coming from a guy who hasn’t really left the house in a few days.  Speaking of hygiene, late hours, and a new little human… I’ll save that for another day…

Back to my new little human that I simply call, “Baby” most of the time- Not like Cash Money’s Baby, but my special Baby… stay focused me… Ok, well, I absolutely love her.  She’s not really a crybaby from what I can tell (even though there’s a thin line between her “smile face” and “I’m about to cry face.” 

She sleeps well, but what do I know?  I only know what I’ve read, and that’s it.  I’m an only child, and I only liked a few kids my whole life (I can actually name them), and I’ve never even changed a diaper until recently.  Speaking of diapers- not a fan.  I love you Baby, but good Lordt, this diaper thing is something else.  Thank goodness for Momma and Grandma’s… I will say, however, that I do appreciate the rumble and vibration of you pooping on my forearm.  I’ll take it that I make you feel just that comfortable?

Which reminds me, Baby… Let’s talk Kanye (medicated ‘ye, because there’s a difference…) there are two songs that remind me of you right now… “Violent Crimes (80% of the song)” and “Lift Yourself (2nd verse),” when you’re old enough to listen, I’ll explain (even though the lyrics are self-explanatory.)

Baby is waking up… gotta go! (feel free to comment your baby raising tips below… I’m sure there’s room for them)

Kevin “Travel Dad” Knight




 

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